Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
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Am I having a stroke?
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
My favorite farside!!
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I’d … I’d rather not.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
reduce, reuse, recycle
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.