Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
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My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
oppen heimer style lol
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”