my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
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Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting