Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
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Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise