[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
You Might Also Like
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.