“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
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I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise