shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
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All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Yup!
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
just left a huge legacy in there
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.