We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
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An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
another case of gang violins
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
A Match(.com), but for socks.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets