One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
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I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches