Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
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I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
#Caturday
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
much to think about
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.