guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
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-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life