Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
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Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
how to have fun when you’re poor
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me