Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I occasionally drink every single night.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it