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Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out