It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
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003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Made something I’m not proud of