me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
You Might Also Like
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
getting old is fun
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Twitter remains undefeated
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …