Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
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I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Sheep
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.