A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
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6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
The prophecy is fulfilled
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Mornin
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.