Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
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“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
me before I type out affect or effect
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.