The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
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A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting