awkward
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Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.