her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
You Might Also Like
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.