Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
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BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.