Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
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GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Friends that check up on you >
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.