Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
You Might Also Like
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.