I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
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I need a headline like this
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.