After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
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FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.