Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
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Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.