I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
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My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”