The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
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Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I think my mom just blocked me
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.