‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
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PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Rooting for the overdog
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.