Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins