INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
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Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….