ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
You Might Also Like
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.