The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
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Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Bring back the McRib
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.