I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
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just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face