If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
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It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.