I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
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I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
When you try jalapeños for the first time
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun