[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
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[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!