[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
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Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.