Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
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If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.