Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
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-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it