5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
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I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions