God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
You Might Also Like
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.