Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
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“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.