Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
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What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit