I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
You Might Also Like
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Who did it better?
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.