date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
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After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
tis the season
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
From Facebook just now…
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him