recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
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It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess