I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
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I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Body by sandwich.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
a public service announcement
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse